Paul (blacksmithtony) wrote,

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Same old, same old...another long, whiny, rambling post that doesn't matter.

Monday, Feb. 21, 10:02 am. There have been too many mornings, too many 5 hour nights, too many long days. Today's going to be another long one...probably a 13 or 14 hour work day. Been here for an hour so far. Don't know why they made my call so early...I've literally done nothing thus far. Doesn't look like I'll be doing anything for another half hour or so, either. Could be wrong about that. Saturday was a 12+ hour day. Tech from 8-12, changeover-ish stuff until 1, lunch break, then sat around the lobby doing some sound design stuff before a designer run for that show at 3:30. Run was followed by production meeting, which was followed by a meeting one-on-one with the director, which finished at 8:15. The upside to this, however, was that she liked what I have so far, so I'm at least done with the transitions, which I was the most worried about, and make up the majority of the cues. I don't know why I was starting to stress about it so much; I always work best under pressure, and there are still a few weeks before my design is due, anyway. I usually have less time to do an entire design to begin with. I'm a tense person. I wish I wasn't. My jaw, neck, shoulders, back, etc. also wish I wasn't. The worst part is that I'm aware of how stupid it is, and tend to make a conscious effort to relax - it tends to fail. My jaw in particular has of late been getting tighter than ever it possible I'm developing TMJ? I should find out. My body really fucking hurts.

I need to call Brian. He IMed me on Saturday saying "I've got a great story involving cosmic irony and the human condition. Specifically ours. Lots of laughs. :-)" Yeahhhhh...we laugh at us a lot. We have more than enough fodder.

I don't know what I want anymore. I'm not even sure I know who I am anymore. I was talking with an old high school friend, Lauren, the other day. We're both back living at home. We're both struggling with jobs - me because I'll never have such a thing as job security and don't get paid enough and have stuff for now but won't pretty soon and need to find more jobs, and her because she hates the job she has now and is having lots of trouble finding a different one. We both thought it'd be different, somehow, after college. I guess we were both a bit naive. I went to this jewelry show with my mom yesterday, to get a new gold quartz ring to replace the lost one (the lost one was my 18th birthday present. The replacement is my birthday gift this year). After we did that, I was helping her find something for herself. I chose the wrong profession; I have expensive taste. Not just with jewelry. I have good taste, in general, I think, but good taste and expensive taste seem to go hand in hand rather regularly. I will never have the money to match my taste, my love of travel. Hell, right now I wish I had enough money to be able to go out and live on my own. In a sense I do. I have plenty saved up. But that would run out eventually. *le sigh* Oh well. Living at home at least means that I'm able to spend the money to go up to NY as often as I do, and to treat friends to dinner and such, and to buy DVDs here and there, and still have money left over to put into savings. But living at home is also driving me fucking nuts. I love my parents. It's just hard to go back to living with them after being away for four years. Even if I do wind up just staying around D.C. (which I will at least through sometime in May, as I'm taking those classes at the Studio), it'd be nice to have my own place. To have privacy and my own life. I have few friends left in this area, and I really don't see the ones who are here at all. Living at home doesn't exactly make it easy to meet new people. And it means that my friends who live out around Baltimore tend to want me to visit them rather than vice versa, which isn't a huge deal, but gets to be a pain in the ass after a while.

I'm lonely, I guess. In the relationship sense, yes, but also just in general. I need more friends here. Or I need to move to NY. But, again, that's a vicious circle. It just keeps going and going. That's what makes it vicious. And a circle (Yeah, I'm going to keep quoting that until someone figures out what it's from). At least, in theory, I'll be having visitors during SLC's spring break (right, blackdeathdenia and brassidiot? Anyone else want to come? Please?).

I sometimes wonder which people I think are my friends aren't. I sometimes doubt that anyone really likes me or cares about me. That maybe I'm just that obnoxious asshole that everyone feels sorry for, but wishes would go away. I know it's stupid. I know most of the time there's nothing to worry about, that it's just paranoia. But it's there, nevertheless. And sometimes I'm surprised by who is and isn't. Who stays in touch and who doesn't. I wish I was better at keeping in touch. I wish I wasn't such a lazy asshole. I keep telling myself that I can change that, that I will change. But I don't.

4:05 pm. Well, got busy-ish for a while. We've been running through the show, so I've been either in the pit or backstage, working the turntable and the doors and such. Also been reading Musashi, from which the quote of the day comes: "'Just a little more.' How easy to say, but how difficult to achieve! For 'just a little more' is what distinguishes the victorious sword from the vanquished." I want to be able to achieve "just a little more."

Went out to lunch with the actors. They get until 5, though, whereas I have to go back to work in a few minutes.


11:20 pm now. It was a long fucking day. Thankfully, I don't need to be in until 1:30 it'll just be a 9 or 10 hour day. Whee.
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